Me and Numbers

August 24th, 2010 by Amy Gonsalves Leave a reply »

I don’t read a lot of other blogs—diabetes-related or others—but I have been more interested in them as I continue to write my own.

One thing I see on nearly every other diabetes blog is something I thought about before starting Diabetes Outside’s blog: posting my latest meter reading or yesterday’s blood glucose numbers.

I opted against doing it, and when I see it on other blogs I know why it isn’t for me.

It’s the same reason I never answer the question “how are you?” or “how was your day?” with a number.  It’s just a number; and a random, relatively imprecise one at that.  (Meters can be up to 20%+/- of an accepted lab result to be considered accurate.)

But more than the randomness of a number, it would seem to me to heighten the importance of my diabetes if I equate my emotional status with a number day in and day out.

Don’t get me wrong; I absolutely will answer by saying: “I feel like crap; I’ve been over 300 all afternoon” or “I’m exhausted I was 43 and now I’m 245 30 minutes later” or what have you.  It’s the response of simply “I’m 180” or “I’m 120” that gets me.

Think about when you were in school and being graded.  Think about getting a grade in every subject several times every day.  Would you want to answer the “how are you?” question by saying “C” or “B” or even “A”? 

I hope not.

I have my own emotions separate and distinct from my blood glucose.  Sure, I get irritable and uncomfortable and exhausted and desperate with different levels of sugar in my blood stream.  But that isn’t who I am.

I don’t let my diabetes define me.  I never have—and after seeing the picture of what I used to imagine diabetes looked like in my world, I’m very glad I skipped any definition as I’m sure it would have had devastating results.  It works for me to know that I’m me and any number that comes after it is properly in its place: AFTER. 

Me first.

If I didn’t have that, I would feel like my diabetes had won. 

I’m not going to let it win like that—at least not without a very good fight—because I am worth more than any random number that pops up after five seconds. 

I cannot express how much I hope you feel the same for yourself.

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