Searching for Reasons

January 18th, 2011 by Amy Gonsalves Leave a reply »

I did an amazing thing the other night: I went to bed by 9pm.  It was so exciting!  (I wake up at 5 every day so this would mean I was about to get 8 hours of sleep.  So thrilling.)

Except then my insulin hit: 56 before my head hit the pillow.  So, okay, except that I had a zillion units of active insulin still coming down the pike. 

Instead of juice, I had a soda to counteract the onslaught. 

And, 15 minutes later, I’m 76.  Still with the active insulin pending.  So, I ate an entire sleeve of saltines.  Alright.

And then 20 minutes after that I was back to 64. 

Another Sprite.

So, the entire time I’m trying to sleep and not able to fall asleep and I’m drinking and eating and geez.  So completely NOT hungry, and two full-sugar sodas are just not good for any person ever.  I don’t get to sleep until eleven.  (Now I’m down to 6 hours if you are counting like I was.)

And I’m thinking: why do I not want to announce that this is what is going on when I’m yawning at my bootcampers in the morning?

I realized the answer lies in a very natural reaction: I knew that anyone I told would wonder and ask WHY.  It’s the most natural response, of course, and yet that’s a major cornerstone of living with diabetes: sometimes there isn’t a very good answer to WHY. 

I think once you can accept that there isn’t going to be a single reason to answer each blood glucose number or each random response or insulin reaction, you’re on your way to accepting your life with diabetes.  Yes, it’s annoying.  Yes, it’s frustrating.  Yes, all of those things we don’t like because they mean we aren’t in control. 

Of course, a lot of times there are great and very important reasons for figuring out WHY: to avoid a future needless high or low, to avoid repeating dangerous patterns, to help us actually get enough sleep, to simply feel like we are living more normal or predictable lives.

But really, we aren’t living normal or predictable lives.  We always need to keep watch over ourselves and our physical needs.  With that, each day, we do our best and we have to be okay with that being enough.

I think that on the whole, we are all doing a durn fine job, thank you very much, dealing with all of the expectations and explanations that are a part of living with diabetes.  And if today or this week isn’t your greatest week, that’s okay.  Do your best and forgive yourself.  You deserve it. 

Every day.

(To address this for some of the more analytical and engineering types: there were about five or six things I believe all contributed simultaneously to my lows last night.  They aren’t worth listing, but it isn’t that I haven’t asked myself the question.)

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